"Baby, please," a whiny voice called out from the next room. "I'll try eXtense, but I can't get an erection! I don't have a blood flow!"
A woman sighed."Look. If I wanted a limp dick, I'd go back in time before the operation."
"Baby, please! You're driving a steak through my heart."
That was Artik's cue. He crept into the room and announced himself from behind the male, Artik's cape billowing. "Die, sucker!!"
The woman went "hah," as Artik's hand jabbed clean through the man's torso, holding his unbeating heart. "Who are you, Orange man?'
"The name's Watashi Artik--- Vampire Hunter."
The vampire's last words were "Watashi? Your surname is Wa--" Crunch. Artik stomped his skull in.
"How can I thank you for getting rid of him?"
"Just... just get an AIDS test. You're a whore," he said heroically.
****
Artik was hanging up his leather cape and purple, wide-brimmed hat when something slammed him into a wall. "Gah!! What was... Oh, f---", Artik was cut off as he was slammed into the wall again, this time flying outside before being slapped into the ground by a long, massive, scaley tail. Artik shut his eyes. 'Basilisk. If I look at its eyes, I'll die.' He grabbed around for the tail before dodging its venomous bite. Barely. He exhaled. "Phew." Artik threw ki all over the place. He heard the large snake scream, so he knew something hit. Ki sensing helps. But a snake doesn't typically have large amounts of it, so he's going into this blindly. 'Blindly!' Artik fashioned a ki charge into two swords, slashing around wildly until he heard sizzling. His eyes burst. Artik opened his eyes and tied the basilisk into a pretzel and severed the head. He then repaired the Safe House walls and mounted the head. "Heh..."
